You know that moment when you’ve asked your child for the thirty billionth time to put their shoes on so you can leave the house, but they’re still looking for that batman toy they lost three months ago?
You know, that toy that they haven’t thought about since they lost it, but because you’re in a hurry it’s suddenly THE MOST IMPORTANT TOY OF ALL THE TOYS IN THE WORLD.
That moment where the more you ask, the more you lose your patience, until you finally scream in frustration, “if you guys don’t listen and put on your damn shoes, I’m going to…string you up in the basement!” (Unsure why that was my go-to, but I guess it’s a better follow-through than leaving them hanging with an ellipse.)
And you need so badly for them to believe your empty threat and listen, because you’re already ten minutes late leaving the house and it’s time to just fucking go, and then they come back with a response like, “Mama, I don’t believe you. You wouldn’t do that to your baby!”
To which we all collapse in a fit of giggles because, obviously, you would never do that to your baby, and the actual idea of it is so absurd.
Don’t get me wrong, setting a good example for our children is incredibly important, but by always being on our best behaviour as mothers, it can be hard to honour that side of us that is beyond frustrated. That side of us that feels angry for no particular reason (well, it’s because the sink is full of dishes and there are no clean spoons, and you’re too tired to wash one). That side of us that wants to listen to angry music that has swearing in it, but you better not because it’s not good for the kids. The dark side of us.
So what does having a dark side mean when you’re a mother?
I consider it that part of myself that I don’t often get to express, like sadness (not depression) or anger. Overall, I’m a pretty happy person, and I keep things with my kids pretty goofy around here. <–Qualifying much!?
However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get pissy or feel down.
Tomorrow I usher my children off to their first day back at school, and I will have the whole day by myself to tidy up the house while I listen to Korn, journal, and work with my Tarot cards.
I want to feel my pent-up frustration through the music. I want to curse cathartically, and sing my feelings out. I want the relief of letting it all go. I want to enjoy my time alone, feeling lost, so when my kids get off the bus, I can greet them with big smiles and a happy heart.
I honour my dark side by feeling my way through it. That way, I can let go of that which doesn’t serve me, and keep my heart open for love.
How you honour your dark side as a mother?